Recently I started reading
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, little did I know how much it would apply to live and my everyday living. Don't get me wrong, I've only just begun, as in I'm on page 55, but I have just finished reading about the first of the five languages.
Words of Affirmation, a simple concept right?! Wrong... especially if you are not used to speaking in such a manner.
Now I know that according the the title of this book, and the many examples that is uses, it is supposed to be directed at spouses. And don't get me wrong, I fully intend to make sure my hubby feels and hears my words of affirmation for him. But I had a sneaking sense that this book would open up my eyes to all parts of my life.
There was a great example stated in this section of the book. It involves a husband and a wife and a room that needs to be painted. The wife has been trying to get her husband to paint this room for 9 months. Nice days come and go and her husband seems to always find something else "better" to be doing with his time rather then painting that room for her. The wife is then quite frustrated and reaches out to the author of this book (Gary Chapman) and asks what she could possibly be doing that is causing her husband to not want to paint this room for her. Gary then asks the woman "Are you sure your husband knows you want the room painted?" Stunned by the question she assures Gary that there is no possible way he could not know what she wants from him. She has told him over and over and over again. Then Gary asks her "Does your husband ever do anything good?" Surprisingly it takes the woman a while to answer, so much time that Gary even needs to give her a few examples of things he might do well. She agrees that he does do some things that she likes (such as taking the garbage out, paying certain bills, etc) and Gary then asks her to
never mention painting the room again. The woman is stunned, again, wondering how on earth this is going to help her situation. Gary then asks her to do one more thing. He says, "
next time he does anything good, give him a verbal compliment." He gives her a variety of situations that could happen and compliments she could be giving her husband. The woman is quite reluctant but agrees to give it a try. Three weeks later she returns to tell Gary that his advice worked, the room was painted!
Now keep in mind the point of this story was not that we need to give verbal compliments in order to get something that we want from our spouse, but that we are willing to do nice things for the ones we love when we are truly feeling that love. When we receive those affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.
What a concept right?! Well, like I said, it's not always as easy as it looks. And I also said that I took this as a great life trait, not just for my marriage. It made me think of my adorably cute kindergarteners that I work with day in and day out. They teach me many things, all day, everyday. However, patience is not one of them. I am always wondering "why are they not hearing me ask them to clean up and move on to the next task? Am I not speaking clearly? Loud enough? What is it?" I end up with a sense of frustration everyday (yes, this takes a lot for me to admit that I could ever get frustrated at such tiny humans, but I'm human, we all do things we aren't proud of..) After reading this section of the book, I caught myself wondering... Am I giving them words of affirmation enough?? Am I building them up so that they will want to show me their 'love' and appreciation and do what I ask?? I'm afraid to admit that my answer might be no most days. Kind of breaks my heart a bit.. but like I said, I'm human. I'm going to make mistakes. And today is my vow to change.
Words of Affirmation, this round is on me!
